My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
