but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
