I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
