Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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