Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
