3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He felt like a one man threesome
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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