you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
