dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
