the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize