Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
In other news, I just burned my penis
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
