Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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