I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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