Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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