Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
God, I missed his penis.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
