I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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