He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
