So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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