I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
