bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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