I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
