I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Text me some of your sweat
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
