MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Randomize
