I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
