dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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