Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
