2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
