i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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