Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
someone owes me an orgasm
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
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