wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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