jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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