gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
