someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize