I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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