im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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