Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
