I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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