Yo dont text me then not text me
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
