dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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