I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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