then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize