You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
