Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
