That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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