so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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