shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
