420 ftw
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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