This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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