If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
