I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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