My friends, they love my intelligence
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
im six kinds of drunk right now
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
