the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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