No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
