did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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