p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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