Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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