So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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