I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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